Dream

I was dreaming, don't know what time of night. The dream was beautiful, astounding, marvelous. It had the sense of peace, serenity and calmness as if you do not need anything else. I was amongst all of my closest friends, surrounded and walking in a blissful morning in a plateau full of greenery. Just plain greenery, beautiful warm sunlight spread all across, music of fresh water spring somewhere nearby as if soothing your heart. I thought, oh God, I just want to be in this state forever. Is this eternal piece? Its the moment I always cherished, nothing to worry, no hunger, no work, no stress, nothing, just plain peace and peace and serenity. I have everyone, all friends, everyone I have nearby, this is what I wanted for my entire life. The horizon is looking serene too, conglomerated with the greenery and the greenish yellow tint that the sunshine has created.

... ... ...

Time passed by for some time in this, but slowly the peacefulness in me is getting converted to irritation, I don't know the reason. I am getting agitated, agitated with my friends, agitated with the nature. Is this calmness for long hunting me or is it something else, like a signal before the storm. May be the later was true, in the midst of a brightly lit sunny day, dark clouds started mocking at me. Before I realized, I found that my agitation mixed with my ego, my negative traits, has turned into a monster dark cloud. That is hovering over the brightness of the Sun. Now its growing like a monster, big and strong, I am afraid of that, its full of darkness, thunderstorms are coming, I am trying to escape the lightnings. I am afraid, running like a dog who can not face its opponent who is more powerful, I am running forgetting all friends, running everywhere. But this opponent is created by myself, my traits which I failed to control. I am feeling so low of myself, my self esteem is gone. I am ashamed to show my face to my friends, they are bearing all this because of me too. I am running away with all my force, but the monster grips me, its is going to kill me, oh God, save me please. I became unconscious.

... ... ...

Suddenly after sometime, when I got back my consciousness, found that the thunderstorm is over, the serenity is not like earlier, but its still peaceful. The thunderstorm just had an impression for a small moment, but now the plateau looks more beautiful. And all friends are around me, telling how they restored me from the thunderstorms. This is more beautiful, much more that the serenity in the early morning. It may not be the same, but its much more meaningful now for me. Its so strange, despite me succumbing, initiating and causing all the trouble, all friends are still with me, they saved me, and we are in a much greater friendship now, which can not be broken anymore. I am indebted to all my friends forever, to everyone whoever has helped me anytime. And those friends who had saved me from this monstrous thunder, I cannot describe how much I owe them. I am still feeling low as why I ran away leaving all of them to face the wrath of the thunder (AFAIK created by me).

... ... ...

My sleep broke, its early morning, Birds are chirping, the chanting of mantras from nearby temple is soothing.

Later in the day I told Anwesha the dream. How I got saved, and she was there too to save me amongst few others too.

I asked, "Why did friends save me when I caused them the trouble, when I left them and started running?"

"That is why friends are for, they do not desert you even if you have committed mistakes and even if they are in deep water because of you. Just make sure that, if ever you face that situation in real life, do not run away, face the thunder, face the monster along with your friends, you are sure to overcome it. Everyone commits mistakes, without mistakes how can you learn, so do not think much what you had done bad, how you had hurt others, think what you can do in future. Life is more beautiful when you overcome obstacles together, not when you are in serenity without any event, nor when you runaway. Face it always, true friends will be always by your side whatever the situation may be." ... Anwesha said with a jovial voice.

P.S. This is a completely imaginary dream, though at times I feel like this

Conversation - Part 1 (On friendship)

Me: "Why is it so that sometimes fight erupts even between the best of friends? Is it lack of understanding, or lack of trust between them?"

Anwesha: "Hell, no, there can never be lack of understanding between true friends."

Me: "Still, the worst fight, worst quarrel happens always between best friends. you can never quarrel to a great extent with an unknown person or an acquaintance. You can check history. There are so many instances. It goes even till harming to the core. Why, why do you always fight with your best friends? You do all kind of nonsense with them .. which should not be there .."

Anwesha: "You moron, don't understand that much, you can quarrel, can fight, can get angry on those whom you love dearly only, and they are none other than your best friends. You are talking about history, go and check despite thousands of quarrels, fights finally friendship prevails. Does mountain moves when a big thunderstorm occurs, it only establishes its presence even more, only mere trees gets uprooted. The friendship between best friends are like mountains, it gets strengthen only when some quarrel, fight in the form of thunderstorms happens, only non-true friendships like trees can not face the thunderstorms. "

Me: "But, its so depressing, every time I fight with my best friends, I lose my sanity, I curse myself why I did that, I do not forgive myself even though mistakes might be from either side. How to cope with this?"

Anwesha: "Whatever happens happens, that is part of friendship only. Small fights, even sometimes bigger ones keep on happening. No one is culprit in that. One should not think or get bogged down by those. It should only strengthen the bond forever. And you know, best friends do not care about it, they bypass the thunderstorms like passers by, and keep their head up like mountains. Its unmitigated. As long as you do not keep on regretting about the incidents, nothing will happen. The root of their understanding, trust can never be forsaken. You might have even fought for silly things, might have intentionally hurt the other, buts that's the part of a package named as 'true friendship'. Think that every quarrel is one more layer of plaster to your friendship. Just forget the past and go on."

P.S. Isn't is very true. So I have started forgiving myself and forgetting the past. I am looking forward to the brighter sunrise after every dark night.

Random thoughts, observations and discussions about Indian Premier League

IPL-2 started with much hiccups, but finally started and is living upto the hype and expectations created. We all friends are happy when finally IPL season 2 started. At least something in the evening to do a nice time-pass.

Anwesha sighed the day IPL started! "My life is going to be hell for next 1.5 months".
Me and couple of friends reminded, "IPL is not the only thing. There are back to back sporting action starting from EPL, Champions league in football to F1, then ICC World 20-20 Cup and French Open and Wimbledon."
She looked devastated at our enthusiasm for sports.
"The worst thing about guys is they all like sports and nothing else, and they don't want to miss the damn advertisements too and the horrendous post match analysis.", she gave her innocent opinion.

I sympathized a bit. "What can you do. Guys are like that only. May be you should develop your habit in sports."

She retorted back. "I am not stopping anyone to watch the matches. I too watch. But why the hell the boring post match analysis? Why to hook on to it as if its the only source of entertainment".

I thought; well, its time we should respect her wishes. Not that I don't watch pre/post match analysis, but I don't like all analysis. But sometimes its tough to resist. Though I understood her agony by looking at her face conglomerated with anger, frustration and sadness.

Anyway, time went past and IPL went on and on. Controversies arose in Kolkata Knight Riders team. The fake IPL player blog made a big hit.

All teams except Kolkata played competitive cricket. Few matches went on with heroics of bowlers rather than batsmen. Extraordinary motivation, improvisation and stupendous cricket were observed for last few weeks.

Last years' bottom 2 teams Hyderabad (Deccan Chargers) and Bangalore (Royal Challengers) did well too. Though Bangalore team strive to retain their old position after the initial victory. All big names like Pieterson flopped big time and the team was kind of certain to retain its "Test team" pet name. But suddenly it started winning.

That day, match was still not over and none of us were believing that Bangalore will win.
I was telling, "Bangalore is competing hard with Kolkata, who can obtain the bottom most spot".

Suddenly Anwesha shouted with voice full of excitement (We had made her to watch the matches despite her reluctance to the core), "I support Bangalore, Bangalore will win today". We shouted, "What, have you gone mad my dear, even Bangalore team owners might not be thinking that". But voila, Bangalore won that day. I told her, "Mallya will send u a carton of beer for your support for Bangalore team."

But from that day, Bangalore had not done that bad. I made sure that Anwesha supports my favorite teams (Chennai and Mumbai, no particular reason about the teams, except I like M S Dhoni and S R Tendulkar) so that they qualify to Semis.
Its going on ok so far.

"Kolkata knows the art of losing", I told one day when Kolkata lost to Bangalore in last 2-3 overs to Ross Taylor. How can a team be so fragile and disoriented. I guess it is the most loosely knit team with lowest self confidence I have ever seen.

Just throwing big money or or funky advertisement is not sufficient to build a good team.

But finally, IPL-2 did entertain. Well, it obviously did not have the charm of IPL-1 since its in South Africa, but nevertheless, the IPL fever is on. Its a success, no doubt about that. I thank the organizers for bringing such an wonderful tournament.

The IPL fever is still growing and so also the agony of Anwesha. Though she is forced to watch and hear the analysis too. And I will make sure she reads this blog too. Not that she does not like sports, but excessive boring sports only she hate. But she is much better still bearing us :)

This much for today, will come back with more and also the opinions of Anwesha.

On the verge of getting converted to Darth Veda from Anakin Skywalker

Often when I am alone, I think about myself. And on the thought process analyze myself, my nature, my transformations. I have been doing that for quite a few years now. I often try to relate myself to any character with whom my nature would resemble. It varies mostly from every now and then, but recently I was able to relate myself to the young and famous Zedi from the very famous "Star Wars" movies, none other than "Anakin Skywalker".

Anakin is the central character of Star Wars around whom the story revolves, he is the boy who can bring balance to the force, he is a miracle, a wonder with maximum count of midichlorians in his blood to influence the force to his will. On the other hand he is the one most vulnerable, he is the one who will be the greatest villain of all time, he will be the one everyone hates. Yet, he is the one who will ultimately bring balance to the force and despite all the evil incorporated and ensemled in him, in his deepest root a truth, a good remains always which can only be supressed for some time but can never be eliminated. With little help of sympathy, little emotional stress, the good will prevail and destroy the ultimate evil once and for ever.

At one point Anakin was the poster boy, he was the one getting all attention, but he seeked power faster than he was matured of. He turned good to evil with one extreme emotional stress in the form of loss of his much beloved wife, senator "Padme Amidala", but the loss was because of his own anger only and the disability to think clear and act in haste. He himself was the reason for the destruction of his wife. She simply lost her will to survive as she was horrified by the change in him. Not only it did cost him his wife, the evil force, the Siths conquered his mind and he turned against the same republic for which he vowed to serve. He killed younglinks in Zedi temple, destroyed millions of planets, created horror in universe. He had lost his own legs, hands and was living with machinery support for the rest of his life, he turned ruthless. He became "Darth Veda" from an innocent "Anakin Skywalker".

It all happened in a moment of indecision. It all happened while he was on the edge of emotional level of good and evil. With a tilt in that level it can permanently go to either way.

I compared myself with the same character, Anakin. I was surprised to find that I am more like that character, powerful, humble, true to all friends, poster boy, ability to achieve the impossible, but at the other hand the most vulnerable. I am always on the edge of tilting to the evil side. I am always too much protective. With little imbalance in force, I am susceptible to give away into the evil side.

I cried, I have always tried hard never ever to turn to the dark side, not for anything. May be in my deepest root, the good will always prevail, whatever it may be, just like Anakin. The transformed Darth Veda also finally turned good, though it required another force in the name of "Luke Skywalker", his own son to ignite that good in him.

I do not know, I am deeply confused, but I always feel that any moment, I can tilt and I fear that very much. I know the effect of turning to the dark side, losing everyone, torturing everyone and mis-utilizing power. And I hope that I do not give into the fear ever. But the fear is killing me day by day.

The only bright side till now is I am still on the good side. I am still "Anakin Skywalker", though I am on the verge of becoming as sinister as "Darth Veda" too. Now it all depends on the tilt, to which side that force will drag me. Fortunately for me, there are just enough friends to keep me in the good side so far. And I sincerely hope they will be with me so that I can live as "Anakin", not a "Lord Veda", for ever.

I know, the moment of indecision will come for me too one day, and that day will define my life for ever. I only hope for the beast to fend off the lucrative attraction of the dark side.

Everyday I get up and find myself relieved to be still as Anakin and with all my friends I will sail through and will not be in the edge. But it also depends on my will power, and I am confident that it will prevail. I can beat every odd by being good too, not by turning into the evil side.

P.S. This is a completely imaginary abstract writing and it does not meant to offend anyone. If anyone is offended by this post, I sincerely apologize.

P.S. I am really really grateful to all my friends who have been with me in all my hard times, I will never ever forget them, they are the ones for whom I am still "Anakin"

Infected by Fountainhead

Someone is laughing. Its not a laugh of joy. It is a laugh at others vulnerability. I woke up. Am I half asleep or am I still dreaming? No, made sure by pinching myself hard. Oh God, I am not able to bear the laugh. Who is laughing and breaking the serenity of this solemn valley? No, I am not able to see anybody, not in the vicinity, no animal, not a bird, not even an insect.

I am in the midst of a green valley, with silvery mountains far far away kissing the horizons. "Who is there?" "Who is there", I shouted at the top of my voice. My heart is beating faster, no its aching, I have no idea what is happening, do not know if it is because of my shouting or something else. But the laugh is still persisting, it is increasing like a chain reaction, it is infectious, it is infecting me, my entire sense of existence. It is ... it is .. no, I can't describe, where is the origin? Is there someone beneath the misty mountains? No it can't be. What it is? I did not have the courage to search the origin in the last place. I it inside me? Is it my soul who is laughing the laugh of destruction, but why?

With enormous effort like a herculean task, I looked at my soul, trying to figure out why this laugh of. "Confused?" my should asked me
I nodded.
"Don't you know why?"
I told no.
"Do you want to know?"
I nodded again.
"Then listen".My soul started. "You, who trump about being a good human being, now is converted finally."
'What?"
"Yes, you are no longer a human, you have been converted to a 'Peter Keating'".
"Peter Keating, thats who?"
"Don't you remember? Don't you remember?" My soul roared. "Remember the creature from The Fountainhead, your activities now resemble that creature"
"But, but he is still a human."
"No, those must not be touted as humans"
I had a good look at myself, filled with hatred, jealousy, selfishness. I broke down.
"Is it irreversible?"
"No, it can be reversed, but that is a hard path, try to be a 'Howard Roark'", my soul sympathized. "Till then I am separate from you".

With deep sorrow and determination, I started walking towards the misty mountains for doing an uphill task.